Pot Joke's
These two burnouts had been wheeled out into the sun at the recovery clinic. While sitting there, a bird flew over and cut loose on one of the burnouts' heads. The nurse saw this and exclaimed, "Oh my! I'll be right back with some toilet paper," and she rushed off.
The burnout who'd been crapped on turned to the other and said, "Maaaaannn, they think we've got problems, check it out. By the time that nurse gets back, that damn bird will be miles away."
There is this stoner who is hitchhiking one day. He finally gets picked up by this truck driver, and while he's climbing into the front seat he notices a monkey on the dashboard. The stoner thinks this to be a bit strange but doesn't comment.
While they are driving along, suddenly the truck driver SLAPS the monkey and it goes flying off the dashboard, off the windshield and onto the floor. The monkey gets up, shakes itself off, goes over and gives the truck driver head and then returns to its post on the dashboard. The stoner thinks this to be a BIT strange but doesn't comment.
So they are still driving along and out of the blue BAAAAMM! The truck driver SLAPS the monkey and it goes flying off the dashboard, off the windshield and onto the floor. The monkey gets up, shakes itself off, goes over and gives the truck driver head and then returns to its post on the dashboard.
The truck driver then turns to the stoner and says, "Hey man, wanna try?" The stoner replies, "Okay, but don't slap me as hard as the monkey!!!"
A Texan, a Californian, and an Oregonian are out riding horses.
The Texan pulls out an expensive bottle of whiskey, takes a shot, then another sip, and suddenly throws the bottle in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the bottle in mid-air.
The Californian looks at him and says, "What are you doing?! That was a perfectly good bottle of whiskey!"
The Texan says, "In Texas, there's plenty of whiskey and bottles are cheap."
A while later, not wanting to be outdone, the Californian pulls out a bottle of Champagne, takes a few sips, throws the bottle in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots it.
The Oregonian can't believe this and says, "What the heck did you do that for??? That was an expensive bottle of Champagne!"
The Californian says "In California there's plenty of Champagne and bottles are cheap."
So a while later the Oregonian pulls out a bottle of Henry Weinhard's River Road Ale. He opens it, takes a sip, takes another sip, then chugs the rest. He then puts the bottle back in his saddle bag, pulls out his gun, turns around and shoots the Californian.
The Texan, shocked, says, "Why the hell did you do that!?"
The Oregonian says, "Well, in Oregon, we have plenty of Californians, but bottles are worth a nickel."
A Russian, a Jamaican, and a stoner are on a boat. The Russian takes a half-empty bottle of Stoli Vodka and throws it overboard.
"Hey, what for you do dat mon?" says the Jamaican. "We have lots of zhese in my country!" replies the Russian. So the Jamaican guy throws an ounce of Jamaican Red Bud overboard.
The stoner jumps overboard.
There's a hippie on a corner snapping his fingers and foot, humming' along, waving his head around like he's Stevie Wonder. A guy walks to the corner, looks at him like he is nuts and says, "Hey! What the hell are you doing?" The hippie replies, "I'm scaring away all the pink elephants, man!"
The guy looks around and says, "I don't see no stinking elephants!" So the hippie looks at him and says,"Yeah, it's working pretty good, huh!"
Q. What's the difference between a drunk and a stoner?
A. The drunk will drive through a stop sign while the stoner will stop and wait for the stop sign to turn green.
Q. Why did the pothead smoke out all day long?
A. His watch was stuck on 4:20.
Q. How do you hide money from a hippie?
A. Put it under the soap!
Q. How do you hide pot from a hippie?
A. Put in his workboots!
Q. What do you call tokin' a doobie with your friends?
A. A joint effort.
These jokes are courtesy of High Times... Please e-mail me with suggestions or anything else.